Early Warning System of An Emotionally Abusive Relationship

Last week, I had an opportunity to host a live Instagram session with Depression Warriors Indonesia where the speaker, Aprianto, talked about “Unhealthy Relationship”. Another common popular term for this is “Toxic Relationship” or “Abusive Relationship”.

Though an unhealthy relationship may also include domestic violence (or the so-called KDRT) and physical abuse, there is another kind that makes the victim suffers equally : An emotionally abusive relationship.

A. Silent Treatment

Creating a space for yourself to think clearly is something normal when you are fighting with your partner. If you feel like you would say something you would regret, you better pull away. Occasionally, silent treatment is also a way of expressing emotions such as sadness, disappointment, etc.
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However, it can become an abuse when it is used regularly as a “Power Play”. An abuser who punishes their partners by refusing to communicate verbally may result to a feeling of exclusion and rejection. On the other hand, the abusee would be manipulated to do anything to close the silent distance. This can damage someone else’s self-esteem and sense of belonging in a relationship in a long term.

B. Humiliation

The name itself says it all. Unlike “Shame” which tends to be private, “Humiliation” is public.
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Does your partner regularly make jokes at your expense that leaves you feeling ashamed? If so, it is a huge sign of humiliation that should not be ignored.

The truth is, humiliation can be very very subtle as a childish joke in front of friends, family, or co-workers. Yet, if it shakes you up or hurts you, maybe it is the time to identify your own feeling and announce it to your partner.
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Don’t let the common phrase such as “I was just kidding” or “You are being too sensitive” stops you from loosing your own self-worth.

C. Emotional Baggage

An emotional baggage is something that you still bring around your shoulder as a result of past relationships. Sometimes the baggage stays for a while, other times it can stay longer than we expect. I get it, when we are hurt by someone, we create an alarm inside our mind that protects us from being hurt again. Unfortunately, when it is too much, it can also corrupt not just you, but also your partner.

Just recently, I saw a good friend asking why his boyfriend could not treat her the way she was being treated by her former partner. While I understand we have expectations and demands towards our partners, we should also open our eyes with the fact that we can’t treat everyone the same because each person is unique in their own ways. Sometimes we should compromise, and other times our partners will.

There are many other signs of emotionally abusive relationship that we should be aware of. But if those three still bugging your current relationship, you might want to consider to talk about it openly with your partner.

Stop playing mind games, girls and guys! None of us can read your mind. Start identifying your feeling, announcing it to your partner, and finding the best way to cope with it. Good luck!